Comments for Beauty and Tanning

Comment on Five Steps for Beautiful Skin From the Inside Out by Apple Frost

Apple Frost — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:42:59 +0000

I think it definitely has potential! The description is wonderful, and your voice is refreshing.

Just because I’m critical, I’m just going to suggest that you reread a few more times, and try and fix some minor grammatical errors (ex. "Everyone continued to stared at it." Should be "Everyone continued to stare at it.").

But other than that, I think it’s fantastic, and I hope you continue writing it!
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Comment on Five Steps for Beautiful Skin From the Inside Out by MissWeirdo

MissWeirdo — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:40:59 +0000

I would guess it’s a supernatural book about some kid who goes to the school and has something to do with the mysterious women. It would be pretty interesting if the women were there to see someone else, but the narrator got caught up in the mess.

Yes, it has potential. You should continue.

As for critique, I would say that you need to give better illustration. You say what happens, but not in a way that the reader can see it. Similes are always goo! Better word choice. Thesauruses are really a big help so that your story doesn’t sound drab. But don’t overuse them! You give wonderful detail though.

If you want more responses, go to fictionpress.net I’m Cinderpool-Ruler Of Chaos.
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Comment on Five Steps for Beautiful Skin From the Inside Out by Megan

Megan — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:38:59 +0000

I think that the fourth paragraph has far too many descriptions in it and introduces too many characters at once-I kinda lost track…

I’d recommend introducing them all more gradually, and only explaining them specifically (like, you could mention the three look-alikes specific eye/hair later when the main character interacts with them later on- you just need to say they looked alike but had different colored hair and eyes) and as for the driver and shotgun-seat-girl…is it necassary to describe them in that detail or are they just single-appearance characters? If they are that important, you could just say that they were beautiful too.

On a more positive note, I really like your style-it’s very fitting to what you’re writing, seeing as it’s from a highschooler’s perspective, and voice is really apparent. I think with a little revision this could be a really cool story! =D
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Comment on Five Steps for Beautiful Skin From the Inside Out by Paige is Batman

Paige is Batman — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:36:59 +0000

Sounds like an asian version of Twilight
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Comment on Five Steps for Beautiful Skin From the Inside Out by Riley

Riley — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:34:59 +0000

I like it! You had spelled a few words wrong though.
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Comment on Five Steps for Beautiful Skin From the Inside Out by яαιηвσω

яαιηвσω — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 04:32:10 +0000

Can anyone give me some constructive criticism for the beginning of this story?
I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. There must have been a large number of people that felt that way, the crowd around it was so big that you only got glimpses of it standing as far back as I was. That must have been understandable, because that did not belong in a school parking lot. It would never look right next to all of the cars that were thirty years old, or the peeling paint of the Band Building. Could that possibly belong to a student? Gosh, I hope not.
Suddenly I could hear reality. There were so many people yelling the question I was just pondering. I heard Dave yell, "What the hell is a freaking Lamborghini doing at a school?" Everyone continued to stared at it. Isn’t that supposed to be one of the most expensive, fastest street-legal car money could buy? What kind of a person could afford to spend what I assume is more than a million dollars on a car? The horn honked. Apparently, the huge mob around the car made it hard to exit. Everyone quickly backed away from the car.
The owner opened the door and stepped out. She walked around it with a walk that could have belonged to a super model, one foot right in front of the other, and opened all of the doors. Three more women stepped out in a motion that was so graceful it looked practiced, and scaned the crowd of people. They were the most beautiful women I had ever seen.
They all looked exactly the same, with the exception of their hair and eyes, which were all a unique color. Other than that, they all had a slightly Asian apperance, very large eyes, had quite slim, yet curvy bodies, full dark pink lips, extremely pale skin that looked white, and long pony-tales that went down to the back of their knees, but their hair and eye color seemed to suit them all perfectly. There was the driver, who had perfect golden blonde spiral ringlets and dark brown eyes, while the girl that had shot-gun had wavy red hair and amber eyes. One of girls in the back had pin-strait black hair and the greenest eyes I have ever seen, and the other had loosely curled brown hair with steel gray eyes. They were all a little on the short size of average height with their tall stiletto heels on, so they must have been rather short without them.
Everyone gasped when they stepped out, that was unbelievable beauty. They just stood there for a minute, looking at everyone. Then, they shared a glance and began walking toward the school building. They had an unusual effect on highschool students, everyone remained silent as the crowd parted. We all turned slowly to watch them walk inside to the main office. They all had the elegant super model walk.
Class was about to start, but most people didn’t care and followed them. I would have liked to be one of those people, but Mr. Young would give me detention if I was late one more time.

I began writing this story when I was bored, like I often do, but I believe this one has potential to last for more than five pages. What do you think about it? Do you think I should continue it? If you had to guess, what would you think this book was about?

Comment on Getting a Perfect Skin Bronze by Hillary

Hillary — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 08:47:59 +0000

light skin- light hair …. dark skin – dark hair

every other way looks bad.
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Comment on Getting a Perfect Skin Bronze by Dolce

Dolce — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 08:45:59 +0000

If that’s the hair color on your picture- it’s very pretty- looks shiny and healthy! kudos! My hair color is that color- I am 26 and used to color it- honey brown, black, golden brown- but recently I let my hair grow back to its natural color and I realized it actually wasn’t that bad- as a matter of fact people ask me what color I wear and it’s my own…just a thought.
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Comment on Getting a Perfect Skin Bronze by podge_y2k7

podge_y2k7 — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 08:43:59 +0000

Judging from you photo, you already look good with you hair colour the way it is, i say "stick with it" : )
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Comment on Getting a Perfect Skin Bronze by Katie

Katie — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 08:40:59 +0000

hair dye lol, or sun plus lemon
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